I wish I was some sort of mad scientist. First job at hand would be to create the perfect striker to lead our attack. Thinking small, I know. So what qualities do we need to fill the gap up front? It’s easy to say we simply want a goal-scorer, but there’s a lot more to it than just that. So I’m going to take a quick crack at it and please feel free to throw in any additional qualities you deem necessary.

Height of Crouch

Our tall man gets a lot of stick. He plays ugly and looks, well… you know. His height has hindered his ability to build any sort of upper body strength, but boy does he use some tricky footwork for someone of his stature. We do dread the long balls delivered to the big man, but when he’s able to head the ball to an attacker’s foot in the box, it’s usually spot on. Plus, it’s usually a thorn in a CB’s ass to defend Crouchie.

Power of Drogba

Minus the dives and unnecessary drama, of course. You may hate the “Didier”, but you cannot deny that the guy is effective from any angle he attacks the goal. He can play as a lone striker, in a 2 & 3-man attack, and is also deadly from set pieces. His weapon? Sheer, raw muscle power.

Class of Torres

On his day, you would be hard pressed to find a striker sexier than Fernando Torres. He’s a goal-scoring machine when he gets the proper service. And boy would he get service if he was teamed up with Modric, Bale, Lennon and VDV! Torres has a subtle approach to his scoring, quite effortless. But when he lets the ball have it, his touch is nothing but quality.

Ball-Handling & Distribution Skill of Berbatov (circa. 2006-2008)

Obviously I’m talking about the Berba we all dearly loved, and not the Incredible Sulk! My wasn’t he exhilarating to watch. He seemed to have all the qualities anyone would ever want in a front man. His ability to distribute the ball not only meant that he could play off another striker, but he was a goal-scoring threat as well.

Who can fill the gap?

Having said all that, I know that none of this genetic make-up is even remotely possible. Greed is a nasty character trait and I only want the best for our beloved Tottenham. I need to be more realistic, so I’m throwing all my cards on the table here:


He’s a troubled boy, although a very tasty prospect. He has size (check), power (check), some sort of intelligence which can be manipulated and strengthened with the right type of management (check), he’s English (check) and age is on his side (double-check). I say we give them Robbie, and possibly even throw in Giovanni dos Santos to sweeten the deal.

Now, I know that most of you think that I recently came up with this notion of having Carrol at Spurs, especially after seeing how he’s performed so far for Newcastle this season; however, I actually followed his progress in the Championship and was excited to see how he was developing. I think you could all agree that the kid looks the business.

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5 Responses to “Frankenforward”

  1. JimmyG2 Says:

    I suggested him for England when Kevin Davies was selected as I dislike the kind of player that Davies has become. Most fouls commited for the past s 5/6 seasons I believe.

    If Crouch could head a ball he wouldn’t be quite as poor a player.

    Keep mixing the potions and twiddling the knobs on the machine el. You never know.

  2. drwinston001 Says:

    I mentioned Carroll on a forum last season but only in passing and only as a potential. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t. It appears this one would’ve worked but I don’t think he’ll leave Newcastle unless it’s an offer the club can’t refuse, which I don’t believe we’re in a position to do unfortunately.

    As a quick reply to JimmyG2, I also mentioned the possibility of signing Kevin Davies last summer for what probably would’ve only cost around the £5m mark and I know it wouldn’t have been as a long term signing but I still think he would’ve given us something alongside vdV that Crouch can’t. Again, a long shot.

    We definitely need someone though. Personally I’d be very happy with Dzeko as I believe he’s got everything needed to be a great striker in the premiership. It appears we’d need around the £30m mark for him though plus huge wages so Carroll is probably a better gamble.

  3. el wehbi Says:

    Dzeko is another great choice for sure, but as you said we might not be able to fork out the wages. The good thing about K. Davies is his work ethic. I just feel that Carroll is born out of the English system, so it wouldn’t take long for him to gel. I believe we have the potential of signing him because we can offer money and a player; good time to go after him because his wage demands cannot be astronomical.

  4. TipsySpur Says:

    Add to that mix some tevez potion and we are good to go.
    I know we need to go after a good striker but seriously the first thing I thought of after reading this is Harry, vdV and the formation. are we playing mostly the 451 or keep changing it depending on the opposition. We cant have 4 strikers with one spot.
    But I am with you on this carroll kid. Saw him playing yesterday for England and he played well (Crouch got the goal)

  5. el wehbi Says:

    AH YES, TEVEZ! I guess if I would have included it in my post, I would have titled his quality as “Persistence of Tevez”.

    Formation-wise, I have no clue what is our best option. I wish we could constantly confuse the opposition with all kinds of formations and let them deal with the headache of figuring out which one we’re engaged in.

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